Language, Shame, Guilt and Anxiety: When Speaking Hurts

When we make a language mistake, we may feel uncomfortable. This discomfort can be productive. It can lead to reflection, correction and even growth. But sometimes what emerges is not discomfort, it is shame. And sometimes it is anxiety or guilt.

These experiences are related, but they are not the same.

Language Guilt and Language Shame

Psychology offers a helpful distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt says: I did something wrong. Shame says: There is something wrong with me.

Guilt focuses on behaviour, shame targets identity. Guilt can motivate repair. Shame tends to provoke withdrawal, defensiveness and even silence. "I made a mistake" (guilt) leaves room for change. "I am a mistake" (shame) closes that space.

In multilingual contexts, this distinction is crucial. Language-related shame rarely concerns grammar alone. It concerns belonging.

Shame is socially produced. It emerges in moments of perceived judgment, exclusion or hierarchy. It depends on norms about what counts as "educated", "native", "standard" or "prestigious". These norms are neither neutral nor natural. They are historically shaped and socially maintained.

In Language and Symbolic Power, Pierre Bourdieu describes how linguistic markets assign unequal value to different ways of speaking. Some accents are rewarded with authority. Some varieties are recognized as legitimate. Others are subtly, or openly, devalued. Speakers internalize these hierarchies. What feels like a personal linguistic failure is often a response to structural ranking systems.

 

Language Anxiety and Language Shame

Language anxiety operates differently. It often coexists with shame. In applied linguistics, language anxiety has been conceptualized as a specific form of performance anxiety related to second-language use. The foundational work of Elaine Horwitz and colleagues introduced the concept of "Foreign Language Anxiety" as a situation-specific emotional response involving tension, apprehension and fear of negative evaluation (Horwitz, Horwitz & Cope, 1986).

Anxiety says: I am afraid of failing.

Shame says: My failure defines me.

Language anxiety is anticipatory. It is future-oriented. It often manifests physically: increased heart rate, blanking out, avoidance of speaking opportunities. Shame, on the other hand, is identity-oriented. It reshapes how we see ourselves as speakers.

More recent work by Yesim Sevinç has expanded this understanding, particularly in multilingual and migration contexts. Sevinç's research shows how language anxiety is deeply embedded in social environments. It is not merely an individual trait. It is shaped by classroom climate, power dynamics, perceived legitimacy and broader sociopolitical discourses. In multilingual settings, anxiety can arise not only from linguistic difficulty, but from uncertainty about one's social positioning.

Recent work by Eglė Kačkutė deepens this perspective by examining how multilingual speakers narrate their own linguistic biographies, showing that shame is often tied to mobility, class transitions and shifting social environments, not just linguistic ability (Kačkutė, 2024). Speakers do not simply "learn" languages; they move through linguistic spaces that position them differently. The same voice may be authoritative in one context and delegitimized in another.

Language is a powerful trigger for both shame and anxiety because it is inseparable from identity. It carries family history, migration trajectories, class associations, educational access and ethnic belonging. Unlike many skills, language is performed publicly and immediately. Errors are audible, accents are interpreted instantly and grammar becomes a social signal.

Research on accent stigma, such as the work of Rosina Lippi-Green, has demonstrated how rapidly listeners attribute intelligence, competence and professionalism based on pronunciation alone. These judgments may operate unconsciously, but their consequences are tangible!

For adult language learners this can create a very fragile space. Highly competent professionals must temporarily speak with reduced expressive capacity. They may fear sounding childish or unintelligent. Some experience anxiety before speaking, others feel shame after speaking. In workplace contexts, where language proficiency is often equated with competence, this emotional burden can be particularly intense.

The Double Marginalization of Heritage Speakers

Heritage speakers encounter a different configuration. They may expeirence anxiety about not being fluent "enough", combined with shame when their language is labeled as "broken" or "incorrect". Many navigate what could be described as double marginalization: not fully native in one space, not fully legitimate in another. Research by Hilbig, Kačkutė and Kazlauskienė (2024) shows how in migrant families, maternal guilt and perceived linguistic "failures" are shaped by sociocultural expectations, reinforcing emotional stress around heritage language transmission.

I experienced small but telling moments in a monolingual-speaking formal and informal settings. Words I used – entirely standard in other settings – were singled out and ridiculed. The issue was not correctness. It was norm enforcement. A boundary was being drawn. The message was subtle, yet unmistakable: This way of speaking does not belong here.

As Gloria Anzaldúa reminds us in Borderlands / La Frontera, "Ethnic identity is twin skin to linguistic identity". – When language is questioned, belonging is questioned.

How to avoid language anxiety and shame

When we widen the lens, we see that both shame and anxiety are reinforced structurally. Monolingual norms in institutions, standard language ideology, colonial histories of language suppression, educational systems that reward conformity, media portrayals of accents and immigration politics all shape which forms of speech are legitimized and which are problematized.

The consequences are significant. Language anxiety may lead to avoidance of participation, reduced risk-taking and stalled development. Shame may lead to silence, identity fragmentation or even intergenerational language loss when children decide, often unconsciously, that speaking the home language carries social cost.

Importantly, neither shame nor anxiety improve learning. Moderate tension can heighten attention. Chronic fear and humiliation restrict cognitive flexibility and reduce communicative willingness.

If these emotions are socially shaped, protective environments can also be socially shaped. Research consistently shows that supportive classroom climates, respectful feedback practices and visible representation of diverse accents reduce language anxiety. Explicitly addressing language ideology helps separate performance from personhood. Educators who model vulnerability – by learning new languages themselves and sharing their struggles – signal that imperfection is compatible with competence.

I like to call this linguistic safety, when we intentionally create environments in which speakers are not socially punished for how they sound, and where mistakes are understood as movement rather than deficiency.

• Reducing shame does not mean lowering standards.
• Reducing anxiety does not mean abandoning rigor.

It means recognizing that dignity and development are not opposing goals. On the contrary, they depend on one another. When we disentangle linguistic performance from human worth, mutual understanding deepens and participation expands.

• Shame is not evidence of linguistic insufficiency.
• Anxiety is not proof of linguistic incapacity.

Both signal the complex intersection of language, power and identity.

When we reduce shame and soften anxiety, we do not dilute expectations, we widen belonging. And in multilingual societies, belonging is not peripheral, it is foundational to cogesion, learning and democratic participation.

 

 

Selected References

Anzaldúa, Gloria (1987). Borderlands / La Frontera: The New Mestiza. San Francisco: Aunt Lute Books.

Bourdieu, Pierre (1991). Language and Symbolic Power. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Dewaele, Jean-Marc (2010). Emotions in Multiple Languages. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan.

Hilbig, Inga, Eglė Kačkutė & Vitalija Kazlauskienė (2024). Feelings of maternal guilt among Lithuanian migrant mothers and disharmonious bilingualism: a case study. Journal of Multilingual and Multicultural Development, 1-12.

Horwitz, Elaine K., Horwitz, Michael B., & Cope, Joann (1986). Foreign Language Classroom Anxiety. Modern Language Journal, 70(2), 125–132.

Kačkutė, Eglė (2024). The Migrant Mother’s Silence in Her Mother Tongue as a Mothering Strategy. Contemporary Women’s Writing,18(2), 128–148.

Lippi-Green, Rosina (2012). English with an Accent: Language, Ideology and Discrimination in the United States. 2nd ed. London: Routledge.

Sevinç, Yesim, & Backus, Ad (2019). Anxiety, language use and linguistic competence in an immigrant context: a vicious circle? International Journal of Bilingual Education and Bilingualism, 22(6), 706–724.

Sevinç, Yesim & Dewaele, Jean-Marc (2016). Heritage language anxiety and majority language anxiety among Turkish immigrants in the Netherlands. International Journal of Bilingualism, 22 (2), 159-179.

Tangney, June P., & Dearing, Ronda L. (2002). Shame and Guilt. (Emotions and Social Behavior). New York: Guilford Press.

Tracy, Jessica L., Robins, Richard W., & Tangney, June P. (eds.) (2007). The Self-Conscious Emotions: Theory and Research. New York: Guilford Press.